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Jokes About Canada and Those Goofy Canadians
1. Only in Canada......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in Canada......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in Canada......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in Canada.....do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in Canada......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in Canada......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in Canada......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we don't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in Canada......do we buy hot dogs in packages of twelve and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in Canada.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning bloodsucking creatures'. 10. Only in Canada......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM CANADA WHEN ... 1. You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup. 2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. 3. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas. 4. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard. 5. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow. 6. You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons. 7. The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey. 8. You know which leaves make good toilet paper. 9. You find -40C a little chilly. 10. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze. 11. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelery and your Sorels. 12. You understand the Labatts Blue commercials. 13. You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three men were traveling in Europe and happened to meet at a bar in London. One man was from England, one from France and one from Canada. They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their wives. The guy from England began by saying: "I told my wife in no uncertain terms that from now on she would have to do the cooking. Well the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, a wonderful dinner was prepared with wine and even dessert." Then the man from France spoke up: "I sat my wife down and told her, that from now on she would have to do all the shopping, and also do the cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries. The fellow from Canada was married to an enlightened woman from the prairies... He sat up straight on the bar stool, pushed out his chest and said: "I gave my wife a stern look and told her, that from now on she would have to do the cooking, shopping and housecleaning. Well the first day I saw nothing. The second day I still saw nothing. But on the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye ..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two guys from Saskatchewan die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?" The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh?" The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?" Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh?" This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling bacon and drinking beer. The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves." The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Regina so we've just got to have a cook-out when the weather's THIS nice." The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan, and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens. NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!! The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is up with you two???" The guys from Saskatchewan look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know, eh?. If hell freezes over, it must mean the Roughriders have won the Grey Cup." |
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